I wish I'd known that its not just "senior pastors" who deal with everything...
I never dreamed that I'd do my first funeral a year into full-time ministry. I didn't know how to handle a phone call that one of my student's dad suddenly died, I didn't know what to say going into the home, I didn't know what to do when asked to perform the funeral. They don't teach you that (not really) in school. I was still just thinking about students and doing cool events and awesome worship nights. I wasn't prepared for the reality of life - and death - and grappling with pain and God and doubt and questions.
I wish I'd known the church often needs as much grace as anyone...
I realized that I went to church in middle and high school more for friends than for Jesus...but I often assumed it was just students and didn't realize there are a lot of people, adults included, who are at the church who want their cookie-cutter ideology - and tend to desire things to fit their schedule. I didn't realize the toll it takes trying to deal with fifty some students plus their parents - especially being a people pleaser. It's really hard to not worry about pleasing people - especially when those people are seeking to follow Jesus - but it seems like you walk two separate roads.
I wish I'd known ministry was lonely...
I think I sort of figured, but I didn't truly realize. Even in a staff I truly love - no one rejoices the same as I do, no one hurts for the same hurts as much as I do - and yes, Jesus never leaves nor forsakes, sometimes you still just feel and overwhelming aloneness - which must be surrendered to Christ every time.
I wish I'd known how much more I would struggle...
Going into ministry at many times hasn't made my walk easier - in fact its been way more difficult. Probably because I am "serving God full-time" whatever that means. And know that everyone knows I work for the church - theres no going back. Every part of me is being scrutinized - whether I want my life to be or not.
And despite these...despite moments I want to quit...there is none other than Christ who has compelled me to stay. Because in spite of this all - I know the joy that has been this season of life, and the joys and pains and struggles to come.
"That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
What Are We Willing To Bear?
I'm in a season where I am going to let a lot of people down. I have been on a crazy journey this past year - being thrown into a leadership position I would say I wasn't adequately prepared for, learning much about perseverance the hard way, and that the reality is I am always prone to let others down - but more so now.
The beauty of it all is I've been forced to embrace the reality its not about me - because I am merely a man, and there will be lots of expectations I can never meet. The beauty of this is grace - because I begged and pleaded, cried out that there would be an easy way out - but I was showered with God's grace and mercy. And because of His faithfulness, I remained faithful. Every inch of my flesh said throw up your hands and quit - but I heard a constant still reminding me who I belonged to.
I was reminded every day why I must continue on - as I walked through the halls of the local schools and saw students who had never experienced the loving grace and just mercy of God. I often wish for a moment that some could see what I see every day - that I could share some stories of how God has moved.
For those who have given up hope this past year - who would deem nothing accomplished - I hope they know God has worked amazingly. I have seen him transform the lives of high school students. I have seen such doors open in the lives of middle school students.
And yet I must settle that these little moments for some will never be content - some will always carry a restlessness - desiring something else.
So I ask myself - every day - what is my focus? It must remain on God apart from any other circumstance - not about the number of conversations, not about the number of students in chairs, not about the programs we offer (or don't offer) but only God. At the end of the day that is my focus - with Christ at center, everything else falls into place.
Without Jesus it doesn't matter what bible study we have.
Without Jesus, it doesn't matter how much time I read.
Without Jesus, it doesn't matter how many songs I song.
Without Jesus - I would have collapsed this past year. I would have broken underneath the weight I felt, drowned in the sleepless, bitter, tear-filled nights - but the cross reminds me that I no longer have to fear unrealistic expectations of the church, of the community, of my mind, of the world. At the end of the day - it is Christ, and Christ alone.
The beauty of it all is I've been forced to embrace the reality its not about me - because I am merely a man, and there will be lots of expectations I can never meet. The beauty of this is grace - because I begged and pleaded, cried out that there would be an easy way out - but I was showered with God's grace and mercy. And because of His faithfulness, I remained faithful. Every inch of my flesh said throw up your hands and quit - but I heard a constant still reminding me who I belonged to.
I was reminded every day why I must continue on - as I walked through the halls of the local schools and saw students who had never experienced the loving grace and just mercy of God. I often wish for a moment that some could see what I see every day - that I could share some stories of how God has moved.
For those who have given up hope this past year - who would deem nothing accomplished - I hope they know God has worked amazingly. I have seen him transform the lives of high school students. I have seen such doors open in the lives of middle school students.
And yet I must settle that these little moments for some will never be content - some will always carry a restlessness - desiring something else.
So I ask myself - every day - what is my focus? It must remain on God apart from any other circumstance - not about the number of conversations, not about the number of students in chairs, not about the programs we offer (or don't offer) but only God. At the end of the day that is my focus - with Christ at center, everything else falls into place.
Without Jesus it doesn't matter what bible study we have.
Without Jesus, it doesn't matter how much time I read.
Without Jesus, it doesn't matter how many songs I song.
Without Jesus - I would have collapsed this past year. I would have broken underneath the weight I felt, drowned in the sleepless, bitter, tear-filled nights - but the cross reminds me that I no longer have to fear unrealistic expectations of the church, of the community, of my mind, of the world. At the end of the day - it is Christ, and Christ alone.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Rethinking...Why Relationships (And Fun) Are So Key
Yesterday, I picked up a few 6th graders after school and we all went to Dairy Queen. Now - it is about 20 degrees outside, first day of spring - but that didn't stop us. And while we were there a few things hit me - I have been especially processing these past few weeks how we do middle school ministry at my church (The Chapel in North Canton) and whether it is the most effective way - or whether we need to change a few things to be most effective at discipling these students in our community. I realized two things yesterday.
1. Relationships (As I always believe) Are Key
One student who attended hasn't been able to be super involved - so really this hour and a half we spent at Dairy Queen was the longest time I've had to really talk and get to know him. And it was great - because my first perception of him just at church was that he was super shy, and quiet. But the reality was - once we had hung out a bit - once I engaged with them, laughed with them, joked with them - the walls came down. I talked about what they talked about - even if I didn't always get it - I cared about what they talked and put in my two-cents where I could, and when I couldn't - I just listened.
2. Middle Schoolers NEED to Have Fun
Lets face it - middle school is such a crazy stage - and the reality is, they need to be active, they have a ton of energy. So trying to have them sit (especially boys) more than they can just be themselves - won't really accomplish anything. Part of my story is I felt I couldn't be myself in middle school - I couldn't control that I had this energy, that I goofed around - it was where I was at!
I have the desire to have leaders who truly grasp - and are a part - of the fun! That when we talked about nosing (where you go up behind someone and see how long you can gently have your nose touch them without them noticing) the entire rest of the day was them joking and laughing and trying to nose one another - and me! So of course - when they go to the booth behind me I drop to the floor, crawl under the table, and try and sneak behind them! Its ok to have fun - in fact, it shows that I care about them more than just some agenda. And the reality is - those in my life who invest more than just a lesson in me are the ones I go to when the "crap hits the fan."
I'm praying that because I was willing to have fun - to act goofy and crawl on the floor of a Dairy Queen beneath a table, that when they find themselves crawling in life from a scary situation, they have seen the love of Christ in me. That self-sacrificing love that doesn't care about my image in the moment, that laid it down - for their sake - because of what Christ did for me.
- Brummy
1. Relationships (As I always believe) Are Key
One student who attended hasn't been able to be super involved - so really this hour and a half we spent at Dairy Queen was the longest time I've had to really talk and get to know him. And it was great - because my first perception of him just at church was that he was super shy, and quiet. But the reality was - once we had hung out a bit - once I engaged with them, laughed with them, joked with them - the walls came down. I talked about what they talked about - even if I didn't always get it - I cared about what they talked and put in my two-cents where I could, and when I couldn't - I just listened.
2. Middle Schoolers NEED to Have Fun
Lets face it - middle school is such a crazy stage - and the reality is, they need to be active, they have a ton of energy. So trying to have them sit (especially boys) more than they can just be themselves - won't really accomplish anything. Part of my story is I felt I couldn't be myself in middle school - I couldn't control that I had this energy, that I goofed around - it was where I was at!
I have the desire to have leaders who truly grasp - and are a part - of the fun! That when we talked about nosing (where you go up behind someone and see how long you can gently have your nose touch them without them noticing) the entire rest of the day was them joking and laughing and trying to nose one another - and me! So of course - when they go to the booth behind me I drop to the floor, crawl under the table, and try and sneak behind them! Its ok to have fun - in fact, it shows that I care about them more than just some agenda. And the reality is - those in my life who invest more than just a lesson in me are the ones I go to when the "crap hits the fan."
I'm praying that because I was willing to have fun - to act goofy and crawl on the floor of a Dairy Queen beneath a table, that when they find themselves crawling in life from a scary situation, they have seen the love of Christ in me. That self-sacrificing love that doesn't care about my image in the moment, that laid it down - for their sake - because of what Christ did for me.
- Brummy
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Rethinking...The In-between (They Aren't Kids...)
This one will hurt. A little. But here is the reality - and its one I embrace but I fear many parents do not.
Your middle school student isn't a kid...and really isn't as innocent as you think. The reality is...all of us are depraved - we fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) And the reality is - your kid has most likely been exposed to a lot more than you think. They probably don't understand it all (they hear a lot of terms - and joke about them because they don't want to admit they "don't know", but they've been exposed to them nonetheless.) Let me put in the disclaimer - I'm not about sheltering students. But, I think its healthy to have a reality that just because you send your kid to church or keep them from "events" you think will have an unhealthy influence - the reality is they are exposed.
Its not odd for me to stop at a middle school lunch table and hear kids dropping the f-bomb (usually to try and get a reaction from me. I don't give them one - its students who don't know Jesus yet so of course they won't act like Jesus. So why would I try and force them to?) They've seen a lot of movies, such as Superbad, which I watched as senior in high school, regretfully, and they say is one of the funniest movies. Its a sex comedy. And while I wouldn't watch it again - I was better able to filter and discern that I shouldn't watch it again.
All this to say - I've enjoyed the healthy conversations I've had with students. And its not this: don't have sex before you are married cause its wrong. Cause honestly - thats not an answer that ever helped ANYONE. Instead - it was the beauty of diving in - helping them understand its goes deeper than a physical. That there is an emotional connection. Examining what the world says satisfies (including these sexual terms, talking through them - and then asking "What does God have to say about this? When is it good? When is it bad?")
I would much rather a parent have these conversations with their child - and many have. But the reality is some of the terms make parents "uncomfortable" - but would you rather have your child's 7th grade friend explain it to them - their understanding from the internet and media - or maybe we should suck it up, partner together, and have those awkward, difficult conversations.
The reality is - students are being exposed to much more. It is an in-between though. A student in 6th grade who jokes about Superbad and how much they love it can then also go into how they watch SpongeBob SquarePants and iCarly every day after school. It really is such an in-between stage. They aren't kids anymore...and yet they are...and they aren't adults...yet they've been exposed to way more than they should.
The beauty is God loves them where they are at - that they won't get it all the time. There will often be a disconnect between their walk with God and the world around them. But we get to walk with them through this - helping them sort through life - showing them how God is at work to restore and explaining how man distorted what God intended for good. It is a beautiful journey - and I love walking alongside these middle school students.
In Christ,
Brummy
Your middle school student isn't a kid...and really isn't as innocent as you think. The reality is...all of us are depraved - we fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) And the reality is - your kid has most likely been exposed to a lot more than you think. They probably don't understand it all (they hear a lot of terms - and joke about them because they don't want to admit they "don't know", but they've been exposed to them nonetheless.) Let me put in the disclaimer - I'm not about sheltering students. But, I think its healthy to have a reality that just because you send your kid to church or keep them from "events" you think will have an unhealthy influence - the reality is they are exposed.
Its not odd for me to stop at a middle school lunch table and hear kids dropping the f-bomb (usually to try and get a reaction from me. I don't give them one - its students who don't know Jesus yet so of course they won't act like Jesus. So why would I try and force them to?) They've seen a lot of movies, such as Superbad, which I watched as senior in high school, regretfully, and they say is one of the funniest movies. Its a sex comedy. And while I wouldn't watch it again - I was better able to filter and discern that I shouldn't watch it again.
All this to say - I've enjoyed the healthy conversations I've had with students. And its not this: don't have sex before you are married cause its wrong. Cause honestly - thats not an answer that ever helped ANYONE. Instead - it was the beauty of diving in - helping them understand its goes deeper than a physical. That there is an emotional connection. Examining what the world says satisfies (including these sexual terms, talking through them - and then asking "What does God have to say about this? When is it good? When is it bad?")
I would much rather a parent have these conversations with their child - and many have. But the reality is some of the terms make parents "uncomfortable" - but would you rather have your child's 7th grade friend explain it to them - their understanding from the internet and media - or maybe we should suck it up, partner together, and have those awkward, difficult conversations.
The reality is - students are being exposed to much more. It is an in-between though. A student in 6th grade who jokes about Superbad and how much they love it can then also go into how they watch SpongeBob SquarePants and iCarly every day after school. It really is such an in-between stage. They aren't kids anymore...and yet they are...and they aren't adults...yet they've been exposed to way more than they should.
The beauty is God loves them where they are at - that they won't get it all the time. There will often be a disconnect between their walk with God and the world around them. But we get to walk with them through this - helping them sort through life - showing them how God is at work to restore and explaining how man distorted what God intended for good. It is a beautiful journey - and I love walking alongside these middle school students.
In Christ,
Brummy
Monday, March 18, 2013
Rethinking...Outside the "Church" Times
I never met Jesus in a classroom. I never really met Jesus through a sermon. I met Jesus through the relationships I had with people - with those who really modeled to me Jesus unconditional love. And the best learning experiences I had were times they sat with me over coffee or a burger and really reminded me of that love - that I was made for more than what I was doing now, that nothing I was trying to do would satisfy because I wasn't made for it.
Do people learn from sermons? Yes. Do people learn in a classroom? Yes. But at the heart of all of this - the most impactful sermons have been from those whom I have a deep relationship with - whom I know deeply love and I have seen live that love. The most meaningful classroom learning experiences have been with those whom I have a relationship with - who cared about me beyond just me learning what they were trying to teach.
And this my friends - is why every hour outside of the Sunday morning or Wednesday night environment counts. Do they learn here? Yes. Do they also learn more from watching and living with you outside these times? Possibly. I did.
That in the middle of a Call of Duty match (because of how middle school minds work) you hear a 7th grader say "I got [friend's name] to read 1 Corinthians with me today. He may come to church with me sometime soon too."
And that, my friends, is beautiful. Let's get outside this box - God isn't confined to a building, things aren't inherently "Christian" and non-Christian. I had a better conversation with this student about God while playing Call of Duty than I had with them on Sunday morning, during a worship service, in our church building.
I am so excited God continues to open my eyes and remind me that He is center of all - and its not confined to our "God moments" but to every moment. And the beauty of working with students is they are walking through this too - they have not yet confined things to boxes - and we can just as easily have God talk over Xbox live playing their favorite game as we can sitting in chairs at the church.
In Christ,
Brummy
Do people learn from sermons? Yes. Do people learn in a classroom? Yes. But at the heart of all of this - the most impactful sermons have been from those whom I have a deep relationship with - whom I know deeply love and I have seen live that love. The most meaningful classroom learning experiences have been with those whom I have a relationship with - who cared about me beyond just me learning what they were trying to teach.
And this my friends - is why every hour outside of the Sunday morning or Wednesday night environment counts. Do they learn here? Yes. Do they also learn more from watching and living with you outside these times? Possibly. I did.
That in the middle of a Call of Duty match (because of how middle school minds work) you hear a 7th grader say "I got [friend's name] to read 1 Corinthians with me today. He may come to church with me sometime soon too."
And that, my friends, is beautiful. Let's get outside this box - God isn't confined to a building, things aren't inherently "Christian" and non-Christian. I had a better conversation with this student about God while playing Call of Duty than I had with them on Sunday morning, during a worship service, in our church building.
I am so excited God continues to open my eyes and remind me that He is center of all - and its not confined to our "God moments" but to every moment. And the beauty of working with students is they are walking through this too - they have not yet confined things to boxes - and we can just as easily have God talk over Xbox live playing their favorite game as we can sitting in chairs at the church.
In Christ,
Brummy
Monday, March 11, 2013
5 Things God Has Taught Me About Ministry
God has a funny way of working - but this past year has been a clear reminder that God's ways are not my ways and God's thoughts are not my thoughts...and especially that God's timing is not my timing.
1. None of my classes remotely prepared me for anything I experienced in the real ministry world
Sorry Malone, but its just true - nothing I learned in class really prepared me for this. But, it did give me one good thing - relationships with some really solid men of God (a few of my professors) whom I could lean on during my difficult times. These men have been valuable resources, and was worth all the thousands of dollars I spent to sit in some classes which had some good memories (like when I delayed class because I wrote as many Pokemon on the board as I could possibly remember) but mainly left me with a solid support system when I came upon situations I hadn't dreamed of experiencing.
2. Ministry stinks...but is full of joy
I used to think ministry would make me happy - but I realize that is false. Ministry does not make me happy. In reality, it has many bitter, heart-wrenching moments. And yet, Christ has done a work on me this past year and filled me with more joy than I ever remember. And that is the key - because as tough as the moments are, as much happiness as is absent - I am being filled with the joy of Christ more and more every day I get to serve him full-time in ministry.
3. Sometimes you are forced to grow up...And sometimes God won't let you
This one sort of speaks for yourself. I am 23...and my Bible is consistently opened to 1 Timothy, specifically 4:12. There were things which I learned come with the territory I never thought would...again I wasn't prepared. My first funeral, for an 8th grade student whose father suddenly died, leading two missions trips back to back after going 100% all summer, being thrown into a role much larger than any shoes I ever thought I would fill, figuring out that not everyone in the church loves Jesus and sometimes doesn't like change, even if you believe it will be best for leading students to Jesus - and that when you get down and want to quit with every part of your body - that God still works on your soul and tells you to press forward - reminds you that He is in control.
4. May Jesus come soon...because this is lonely
That glorious day when Christ returns is longed for even more...and yet I see so much work to be done. My commitment to this community has caused me to feel more and more alone, seemingly overwhelmed by the amount of students who so desperately need to know the love of Christ - and yet God has reminded me that He is in control. That moments I feel weak or as though it is too much - He is in control. I am but a vessel used by Him. And that though it is lonely, there are those around me to lean on for support.
5. Don't Worry
I've gone back and forth about worrying - and I realize now it doesn't matter. I used to not care - which was bad, and then I cared to much - which I realized was wrong. Because not caring meant I wasn't worrying about God and shepherding His flock, and caring too much meant I focused so much on that one little sheep that I missed sight of the rest. So now I serve God - and do my best to look upon the whole, knowing that some of these sheep will just be stubborn. I pull them back in here and there, but some just want to run. God is the Shepherd - and I trust He is in control.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Read This
Yesterday I gave up the new dog I had adopted - I had been so excited about the idea of having a dog to come home to every night, but I forgot how much time and energy was required. And I realized I had a tough choice to make - realized that there was already not enough of me to go around. And there are those who need much more of me, that I'm willing to sacrifice those cute little paws and wagging tail to a cold, empty apartment.
This year has been challenging for me, I have had deep moments of questioning. I have had moments of fear - fear of letting everyone down.
I gave up part of my 20's when the shocking happened - the father of one of my students passed suddenly away and I was asked to perform the funeral. I didn't think I was going to ever experience that - how do I respond? They don't teach you this at bible college.
I set myself up as available and accessible to the church world and the "unchurched world". They don't like not having full access to me - students and families don't get why I can't solely focus on them. After all - thats what my job is right? To tend to the every need and make good little church kids? And the unchurched don't get why any young adult male would care to hang out at the schools, at football games - theres got to be something different, something weird about them? Church? I know what church people act like - they put on masks and pretend to be perfect and don't accept me.
I'm the one who creates the chaos on weekends where kids are out of control.
I'm the one who plays that music which means now my kids listen to it - and its awful.
I'm the one who doesn't wear a suit on sunday mornings - that doesn't look like he can even attend this church.
But in reality...I'm the one who is striving my best to serve my heavenly father.
I will not be defined apart from Christ. I will invite kids in to my home who cuss - because if they don't know Jesus yet, they won't act like him. And I won't let Jesus be defined by "Christian values." Because when I lack patience and grace - when we lack patience and grace - in our marriages, with children, with family - then we aren't being "Christian." You don't want to be around those people? Then who will show them Jesus? How will they experience true grace? Because all that shows them is God is for those who have it figured out - if you won't extend grace, unrelenting - then you paint a picture of Christ that doesn't extend to them.
You know "church kids" see themselves?
Wrong
Selfish
Broken
Selfharming
Fat
Nerd
Gay
Stupid
Hated By Others
Bad Kid
Cheater
Liar
Not Pretty Enough
Not Popular
Cruel
Insecure
Useless
Unwanted
And the sad thing - these definitions are often from other "church kids." Because we miss this part of showing God's grace and love - because when its about making good kids we miss it -
I will never make your kids good. You will never make your kids good. Because none of us are good. Apart from Christ - we are bad. And apart from truly loving Him it doesn't matter how much you spare yourself or your children from - its not about abstaining from things - its about surrendering to Christ. Everything. Your mind won't change because you listen to "worship" or "Christian" music. Your mind will change because Christ is in you and working in you.
I love you all dearly - and I will continue to press forward. I will do my best to be a picture of grace and love and patience because of what Christ has done. But I will not do it for a select few - I will push and be uncomfortable at times. I will go as long as God will use me - I will let myself be broken down, worn down, beat down - for the sake of your children. My heart breaks for them. I will take whatever you have to say, for the sake of Christ - and that He may be proclaimed in the lives of your children.
This year has been challenging for me, I have had deep moments of questioning. I have had moments of fear - fear of letting everyone down.
I gave up part of my 20's when the shocking happened - the father of one of my students passed suddenly away and I was asked to perform the funeral. I didn't think I was going to ever experience that - how do I respond? They don't teach you this at bible college.
I set myself up as available and accessible to the church world and the "unchurched world". They don't like not having full access to me - students and families don't get why I can't solely focus on them. After all - thats what my job is right? To tend to the every need and make good little church kids? And the unchurched don't get why any young adult male would care to hang out at the schools, at football games - theres got to be something different, something weird about them? Church? I know what church people act like - they put on masks and pretend to be perfect and don't accept me.
I'm the one who creates the chaos on weekends where kids are out of control.
I'm the one who plays that music which means now my kids listen to it - and its awful.
I'm the one who doesn't wear a suit on sunday mornings - that doesn't look like he can even attend this church.
But in reality...I'm the one who is striving my best to serve my heavenly father.
I will not be defined apart from Christ. I will invite kids in to my home who cuss - because if they don't know Jesus yet, they won't act like him. And I won't let Jesus be defined by "Christian values." Because when I lack patience and grace - when we lack patience and grace - in our marriages, with children, with family - then we aren't being "Christian." You don't want to be around those people? Then who will show them Jesus? How will they experience true grace? Because all that shows them is God is for those who have it figured out - if you won't extend grace, unrelenting - then you paint a picture of Christ that doesn't extend to them.
You know "church kids" see themselves?
Wrong
Selfish
Broken
Selfharming
Fat
Nerd
Gay
Stupid
Hated By Others
Bad Kid
Cheater
Liar
Not Pretty Enough
Not Popular
Cruel
Insecure
Useless
Unwanted
And the sad thing - these definitions are often from other "church kids." Because we miss this part of showing God's grace and love - because when its about making good kids we miss it -
I will never make your kids good. You will never make your kids good. Because none of us are good. Apart from Christ - we are bad. And apart from truly loving Him it doesn't matter how much you spare yourself or your children from - its not about abstaining from things - its about surrendering to Christ. Everything. Your mind won't change because you listen to "worship" or "Christian" music. Your mind will change because Christ is in you and working in you.
I love you all dearly - and I will continue to press forward. I will do my best to be a picture of grace and love and patience because of what Christ has done. But I will not do it for a select few - I will push and be uncomfortable at times. I will go as long as God will use me - I will let myself be broken down, worn down, beat down - for the sake of your children. My heart breaks for them. I will take whatever you have to say, for the sake of Christ - and that He may be proclaimed in the lives of your children.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)