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Yesterday I gave up the new dog I had adopted - I had been so excited about the idea of having a dog to come home to every night, but I forgot how much time and energy was required. And I realized I had a tough choice to make - realized that there was already not enough of me to go around. And there are those who need much more of me, that I'm willing to sacrifice those cute little paws and wagging tail to a cold, empty apartment.

This year has been challenging for me, I have had deep moments of questioning. I have had moments of fear - fear of letting everyone down.

I gave up part of my 20's when the shocking happened - the father of one of my students passed suddenly away and I was asked to perform the funeral. I didn't think I was going to ever experience that - how do I respond? They don't teach you this at bible college.

I set myself up as available and accessible to the church world and the "unchurched world". They don't like not having full access to me - students and families don't get why I can't solely focus on them. After all - thats what my job is right? To tend to the every need and make good little church kids? And the unchurched don't get why any young adult male would care to hang out at the schools, at football games - theres got to be something different, something weird about them? Church? I know what church people act like - they put on masks and pretend to be perfect and don't accept me.

I'm the one who creates the chaos on weekends where kids are out of control.
I'm the one who plays that music which means now my kids listen to it - and its awful.
I'm the one who doesn't wear a suit on sunday mornings - that doesn't look like he can even attend this church.

But in reality...I'm the one who is striving my best to serve my heavenly father.

I will not be defined apart from Christ. I will invite kids in to my home who cuss - because if they don't know Jesus yet, they won't act like him. And I won't let Jesus be defined by "Christian values." Because when I lack patience and grace - when we lack patience and grace - in our marriages, with children, with family - then we aren't being "Christian." You don't want to be around those people? Then who will show them Jesus? How will they experience true grace? Because all that shows them is God is for those who have it figured out - if you won't extend grace, unrelenting - then you paint a picture of Christ that doesn't extend to them.

You know "church kids" see themselves?

Wrong
Selfish
Broken
Selfharming
Fat
Nerd
Gay
Stupid
Hated By Others
Bad Kid
Cheater
Liar
Not Pretty Enough
Not Popular
Cruel
Insecure
Useless
Unwanted

And the sad thing - these definitions are often from other "church kids." Because we miss this part of showing God's grace and love - because when its about making good kids we miss it -


I will never make your kids good. You will never make your kids good. Because none of us are good. Apart from Christ - we are bad. And apart from truly loving Him it doesn't matter how much you spare yourself or your children from - its not about abstaining from things - its about surrendering to Christ. Everything. Your mind won't change because you listen to "worship" or "Christian" music. Your mind will change because Christ is in you and working in you. 

I love you all dearly - and I will continue to press forward. I will do my best to be a picture of grace and love and patience because of what Christ has done. But I will not do it for a select few - I will push and be uncomfortable at times. I will go as long as God will use me - I will let myself be broken down, worn down, beat down - for the sake of your children. My heart breaks for them. I will take whatever you have to say, for the sake of Christ - and that He may be proclaimed in the lives of your children.